


“I Never...” or Another Reason Why Nothing Good Happens after Two A.M.

by auburn_autumn



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Drunk Sex, F/F, F/M, Group Sex, Infidelity, Multi, OT3, Threesome, Threesome - F/F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-04
Updated: 2012-02-04
Packaged: 2017-10-30 15:38:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auburn_autumn/pseuds/auburn_autumn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barney, Robin, and Lily are up late drinking at the apartment when a game of “I Never...” leads them to live out their fantasies.  Yes, this is your standard Porn With(out) Plot that utilizes the “Drinking Game Leads to Sex” trope.  Takes place between the finale of Season Four and the premiere of Season Five.</p>
            </blockquote>





	“I Never...” or Another Reason Why Nothing Good Happens after Two A.M.

It happened the weekend in the summer of 2009 when Marshall was visiting his parents for the weekend. The gang, minus Marshall, were making the best of the heat by drinking beer and mojitos at MacLaren's from the late afternoon until last call. The gang stood on Ted and Robin's front steps smoking cigarettes, clearly not wanting end the night, so they went upstairs to, where they sampled Robin's newest scotch purchase by the tumbler. Lily didn't want to have to brave the subways alone and drunk only to come home to in an empty apartment, so it was decided that she was staying the night on Ted and Robin's couch. 

Two hours after their arrival the scotch bottle was empty and Ted was snoring softly in his bedroom. Robin, Lily, and Barney sat at the couch, a bottle of Grey Goose between Barney's knees and a filled shot glass in each of their hands. They were loathe to sober up and let the inevitable hangover set in so they stayed up together, playing “I Never” in hushed voices. Because of their inebriation and the absence of Marshall and Ted, and a three-way-pinky swear that the things that come to light tonight will not be repeated, they were all in a candid mood and easily cajoled each other into giving details about the experiences that made them have to take a shot, if they weren't already known by those present   
.  
They confirmed that all three of them have had anal sex, that Robin's never let anyone handcuff her but she's willing to handcuff her partner, if requested. Barney had done pretty much everything that doesn't involve emotional intimacy or driving people to the airport—no surprise there. Throughout the game Lily was reminded of how much of a shame it was that Barney and Robin never became a couple. She couldn't think of anyone who would be better for them than each other. Even now, just months after they kissed and then decided not to see each other, they seemed closer than ever, if only as friends. 

It was Lily's turn. She had to drink a lot, thanks to Barney playing dirty (what else is “I've never been in a relationship longer than five years” but a targeted attack?) so she wanted to make sure this turn made him drink. Her move was obvious.

“I've never slept with a woman,” Lily watched Barney take a shot with satisfaction.

“You wish you have,” Barney teased after throwing back his shot. It isn't a question. Lily glared at him, but it was apparent that she was only mad because it was true.

Robin chose to take her shot at that moment, an eyebrow cocked. Lily and Barney gave her curious looks. 

“College,” she explained. “Linda Barret. She was a member of the swim team who was a hopeful for the Olympics and I volunteered to interview her for the paper.”

Both Barney and Lily were listening with rapt attention. 

“This sounds like a story to me,” Barney said hopefully.

“Oh, come on Barney. A lady doesn't cunnilingus and tell,” Robin protested, a blush growing on her cheeks.

“You can't be like that, Robin,” Barney insisted. “Were you the butch or the femme in the relationship?”

“I want to know how it happened too,” Lily said, trying to look casual.

Robin looked like she was going to object again, but then her expression became distant as she began telling the story, remembering how the event felt to her at the time. “She asked me to meet her at the pool at the end of practice, but when I arrived at the appointed time everyone else had left already but she was still in the pool. She explained that she's been practicing extra lately so that she'd do even better when at meets. Then she got out the pool and took off her goggles and swimming-cap. I couldn't help but take a look at her hydrodynamic little breasts.”

“Oh I bet it was cold in there,” Lily interjected, her voice low. Barney arched an approving eyebrow at Lily's brazenness. 

“It's Canada, Lily. Even though it was an indoor pool it was still pretty chilly in there so her nipples were quite...apparent.” Robin cleared her throat. She felt awkward not just because she was revealing a very private moment from before she knew the gang, but because of how turned on she was getting remembering and describing the event. “She told me that she only had time for an interview during her shower.” Robin turned to Barney. “Yes, really.”

“Did you realize she was coming on to you?” Lily asked.

“I thought she could have been, but I wasn't sure. Either way I had procrastinated on the story and it was due the next day, so I followed her into the locker room and interviewed her with my back turned. I was reading my third question, when I looked up from my notes to see that there was a mirror on the wall I was facing reflecting her image toward me the whole time. She was rinsing her hair, her back arched and her eyes closed to keep the suds out. 

“The sight stopped me mid-sentence. I always had a thing for talented athletes, but until then I thought I only was hot for male athletes. Linda really was impressive. She looked strong without looking unfeminine. Her shoulders were slightly more prominent than a typical females but not in a mannish way, her limbs were lean and toned, and I could see the outline of those six-pack abs that made her butterfly stroke so powerful. It wasn't just her body that took my breath way.”

Robin paused, and Lily and Barney leaned in closer, as if they thought she had started whispering rather than halting. It occurred to Robin that it would be ever so cruel to stop right then, when their anticipation was at its highest, and it would serve their pervy selves right. As much as making her friends squirm was appealing to Robin, something told her that it would be more fun to give them what they wanted. And so she continued:

“As I said she was rinsing her hair, her hands slipping through her hair in the typical way that ladies do. But then she let one hand drop down between her legs. I think she thrust her finger inside of herself just once while I stood transfixed. Just one thrust, and then she opened her eyes and I tried to pretend like I hadn't been watching. I try to find the question I was asking but she interrupted me, asking me if I was watching her. I started to stammer some excuse but then she said, 'It's okay, Robin. Because you can do more than watch.' And I just went for it.”

“Details?” Lily requested hopefully. Barney grinned at her appreciatively.

“You guys are dirty little perverts,” Robin teased, attempting to sound scandalized. Unfortunately Barney knew her intimately enough to know when she was turned on and raised an eyebrow at her silently calling her bluff. _Tell the story, Robin. We're enjoying it, you're enjoying it. We all win_ , he seemed to be telepathically telling her.

“I took a step towards her and she removed her hands from herself and moved out of the shower to meet me halfway. I kissed her while she removed my clothes and threw them towards the dry part of the locker room. Once my clothes were off she pulled me into the shower's spray and we made out while we explored each others' bodies. It wasn't long before her fingers were inside me, working together with her thumb on my clit. Normally I find fingerbanging to be a let down, but Linda knew what she was doing. The orgasm she gave me was the best I had ever had up until that point. I've had some since that beat it, though. When I caught my breath, see asked me if I've ever been with a woman before. I said no and she told me to do to her what I liked on myself. And I thought, I like dick but I lack one of those, so cunnilingus it is.”

Lily and Robin exchanged a high-five while Barney imitated Robin's newscaster voice,“This is Robin Scherbastski with today's breaking news: I like dick.” Robin smacked him playfully on the arm.

“What's it like to go down on a girl?” Lily asked.

Robin considered the question. “It wasn't terrible. There wasn't any gross fishy taste like I was afraid there would be. It was fun making her come but it unlike with guys how an orgasm is pretty much inevitable, you really have to work at it. I felt so proud of myself when I finally got her off. I don't really know who wore the pants or whatever. I think it was more complicated than that.”

“Best. Story. Ever.” Barney said. Lily nodded in awed agreement.

“Uh, whose turn is it?” Robin asked, feeling a little embarrassed and very turned on. 

“I think it's yours,” Barney said as he refilled Robin's shot glass. 

“I have never had a threesome,” she blurts, saying the first thing that comes to her mind. _Yeah I'm drunk_ , she thought to herself.

Barney makes a huge show of drinking his shot. 

“Prostitutes don't count,” Lily scoffed.

“You never asked for the Tricycle Belt,” Robin pointed out.

“Ted sullied the competition by not letting us know if he had a threesome with Trudy and what's-her-face,” Barney said in his defense. “Plus I read in GQ that it's gouache to show off.”

“You love showing off,” Robin objected.

“I know why Barney never told us: he did a threeway with a chick and a guy,” Lily said, only half teasing.

“No I didn't,” Barney insisted, sounding so much like a lying child that he made Lily and Robin laugh. 

“You're lying,” Lily said flatly. “Spill”

“I told my lesbian story, you have to tell us about your threeway,” Robin pointed out.

“Fine, fine, fine,” Barney huffed. “Tasha looked like a really stacked Emma Stone, with auburn hair and everything. I was putting the moves on her at MacLaren's and I was about to close the deal when her boyfriend walked up. I thought he was going to hit me. Instead, she asked him right in front of me if he'd let me fuck her. No joke. He thought about it for a second and said, 'Okay, but only if he blows me.' He then shakes my hand and says his name is Sam.”

“What did he look like?” Robin asked.

Barney made a show of indifference when he answered. “He was just a guy. You know, with the hair and the muscles and the—“

“—Penis” Lily interrupted. She was much more interested in the story than they thought she'd be. “So did you go at it all at once or did they take turns taking you like the slut you are?”

“Woah, Lily!” Robin laughed, her face red. 

“I always knew Mama talks dirty,” Barney teased, looking like the cat who caught the canary. “Since you want to know so badly: they took me to their place and told me to get naked and then they blind-folded me on my knees. She kissed me for awhile and then I heard her shuffle away and start to undress while he walked toward me.”

“And then you went down on him?” Robin asked.

“I did,” Barney answered, shockingly unashamed by it. “I figured the quicker I got it over with, the sooner I could get to his girlfriend. Did I mention that she was hot?”

“You did,” Lily replied.

“She was. I was starting to get the hang of it—letting him down my throat—when he spread his legs apart and she crawled on her hands and knees underneath him until she was taking me into her mouth. I had the suspicion that this part of the night was just a competition and that I made him come before she made me come I would be allowed to fuck her. It was all too easy.”

“Do you let Sam fuck you in the ass?” Robin asked. Lily looked at Barney questioningly.

“I crossed a few entries off of the ol' Bucket List,” Barney said with weak enthusiasm. “I had a feeling you both would like that story. Is there an adventurous side to Lily we never knew about?”

“One of the reasons I went to San Francisco was because Marshall is adamantly against threesomes,” Lily admitted. 

“Who did you want to have a threesome with?” Barney asked.

Lily ignored the question, not meeting anyone's eyes. “I love Marshall, I do. But I thought that it was only a matter of time that Marshall would want to bang some hot bisexual coworker and I could be the cool wife who lets us have a threeway.”

“What if he brought home a man?” Robin asked.

“I don't care about the gender as long as we all like each other,” Lily said. “Would you you ever have a threesome, Robin?”

“I used to fantasize about having sex with both Ted and Barney,” Robin admitted. 

Barney looked touched. “Really?” Then after a beat. “Who would get front door and who would get back door?”

“You assume I would want you both on me,” Robin said. “As for being with a girl and a guy, I might have wanted to bi-bait some guy into a threesome with a girlfriend back in college, but I didn't have any female friends I was close like that with back then.” 

“Oh girl, if only I knew you in college,” Lily joked in a sassy voice, immediately wincing slightly. After marrying Marshall her girl-crush on Robin only grew, turning more bittersweet the more ardent her feelings became. 

“You may not know this, but I'm very good at sharing,” Barney announced faux-casually, like he was kidding. But also kind of like he was dead serious.

“He claims to be ambidextrous but I don't buy it,” Robin joked. 

Lily's always been curious about Barney. She thought it was a morbid curiosity at first but then she slowly became unable to to deny that the idea of being with Barney titillated her much more than it disgusted her. This crush didn't give Lily the pangs of longing that Robin gave. Lily would imagine making out with Barney, or watch him straighten his tie, or sit crammed into the booth next to him, their thighs touching, and allow herself to enjoy it just enough not to go crazy and then transfer all of the unharnessed sexual energy she worked up due to Barney over to Marshall. 

“You'd say he's good in bed?” Lily asked. 

Robin covered Barney's ears with her hands. “A-mazing,” she whispers. 

“She said I had stamina, huh?” Barney asked after Robin took away her hands. “Well so does she. I think you'd quite enjoy Robin, Lily.”

It was suddenly apparent that the atmosphere of the conversation had changed from three friends exchanging sexy stories and joking around. Now they were trading thinly veiled propositions, nearly as easy to accept as they are to laugh off. 

They waited for what seemed like an eternity at the threshold between possibility and action before Lily leaned across Barney and kissed Robin, allowing her body to press against both of her friends. Barney watched them make out for a moment before nuzzling Robin's neck, then kissing it. They pulled apart, eyes dilated with lust and none of them sure what would be worse: that what was happening continued, or that it didn't.

Lily's eye's flashed with dead seriousness. “I'm going to go to the bathroom and then I'm going to crawl into Robin's bed. If you meet me in there, you agree not to tell anyone about what happened after Ted went to be bed.”

“Wasn't not telling always part of the rules of the game?” Barney asked, smirking.

“Wait, Lily,” Robin called. “What about Marshall?” 

“I love Marshall. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I hope that he could understand why I'm doing this.”

Lily walked to the bathroom, leaving Barney and Robin staring at each other.

“You're not going to kick me in the balls now, are you?” Barney asked Robin. He hadn't cleared any of the flirting with Lily with Robin, and even though they were in a secret relationship with undefined boundaries he was afraid he might crossed a line.

“I like you. I like Lily,” Robin admitted. “I'm pretty sure she likes us. I think we all know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.” 

Barney kissed Robin, pulling back when he hears the sink turn on. “I love you, Robin.”

“Sure you do,” Robin returned serenely as Lily went from the bathroom to her room. “Wait for me,” Robin added, getting up and heading to the bathroom herself.

*****

Lily stood awkwardly for a moment in Robin's room for a moment. Suddenly she doubted that Robin and Barney would be game. Actually she was sure that Barney was game, but what about Robin. Despite her lesbian story, Robin never showed in interest in women, Lily included. Plus, it wasn't so long since Barney and Robin slept together, maybe Lily was breaking the girl code by doing what she did out there. She decided to sit fully clothed on the bed, just in case the door opens and Robin tells her she changed her mind.

The door opened after a few minutes and Robin entered, followed by an antsy-looking Barney. They're both nervous, Lily realizes.

“We're all still okay with this?” Barney asked—the obligatory confirmation of consent. Both women nodded. 

Barney walked over to where Lily was sitting and kissed her, gently pinning her on her back. Robin watched for a moment while stripping down to her bra and panties before lying down on her side next to Lily and Barney. She nibbled experimentally on Lily's neck, causing her to giggle into Barney's mouth. 

Barney slid off of Lily and pulled up on the bottom of her sweater. Lily lifter her arms and torso to allow him to remove it. Robin unbuttoned Lily's jeans and Barney lifted her hips to so she could slid them down her legs. 

“Barney is much too clothed,” Lily pointed out. She sat up and undid his tie as Robin nimbly undid the buttons of his shirt. Barney thoroughly enjoyed being undressed by two of the most sexy women he knew. Lily took off his pants and stared at the tent in his boxers. “Impressive,” she commented, palming him tentatively through his boxers. 

Barney responded by kissing her, his hands ghosting up from her waist to the clasps of her bra, which he easily undid, pulling the bra off her shoulders before pining her with another kiss. He began to leave a trail of kisses down towards Lily's breasts as Robin knelt down on the floor between her legs, which were hanging off of the side of the bed. 

As she leaned in toward Lily, she could feel the heat coming of her crotch and even faintly smell her pussy through her light green cotton panties. She rubbed the tip of her nose on Lily's center just as Barney bit down on her right nipple, drawing a moan from the auburn haired woman. Robin placed quick kisses between Lily's legs before pulling off her underwear. She began to lightly lick Lily's pussy, mostly focusing on her clit but intermittently swiping her tongue teasingly along her slit. She tasted a little bit like sour apples and something else a little musky and distinctly Lily. 

Barney and Robin's combined efforts were forcing sexy little kittenish mewls from Lily's mouth. Barney always knew that Lily would be good in bed, but even in his fantasies he didn't imagine her to sound so feminine, enthusiastic, and sexy and he was probably in trouble for a lot of reasons but most of all because he was in love with these two women. He switched to Lily's other nipple, kneading the one he left, and she let out a moan. From the what he could see from his angle and the sounds he was hearing, Robin had probably started using her fingers on Lily was well as her tongue. His cock twitched with jealousy, but he wanted to wait until Robin has made her cum at least once before fucking her so that she would be dripping wet and wishing to be really filled. 

Lily was bucking her hips, forcing Robin's two fingers deeper. The brunette added another finger and increased the tempo of her ministrations. Lily's cunt tightened rhythmically around Robin's fingers as she relished every sensation, from Barney at her tits, to Robin laving her tongue from that sensitive spot just inside her pussy to her ever-more-sensitive clit, to Robin hitting her g-spot in just the right way. Barney kissed her pulse-point, rolling her nipples between his thumb and forefinger, whispering dirty talk between kisses. 

“Fuck, Lily.” Kiss. “I love.” Kiss. “Your round, perky tits.” Kiss, followed by a gentle bite. “I want to fuck you while you eat Robin's tight little pussy.”

The mental image sent Lily over the edge, cursing and calling Robin's name, followed by Barney's as she came. Robin felt her tighten even more as she suddenly became very wet, before the telltale clenching showed Lily she was coming. Robin kept up the rhythm until Lily's breathing slowed, only removing her fingers until her pussy was still. She climbed up to join Barney and Lily as they cuddled on the bed. 

“Mm, that was good,” Lily giggled. “Did you hear Barney's plan, Robin?”

“I did,” Robin grinned. “I think I will offer my endorsement for it.”

“Then it's unanimous,” Lily announces, turning to face Robin. She kisses her best friend, tasting her own juices in her saliva, before kissing Barney, who then kisses Robin. Lily kisses Robin again before dipping down to kiss her cleavage, discovering and then undoing the clasp on the front of her bra. 

“You have gorgeous tits, Robin,” Lily sighed before kissing them all over and eventually setting on a nipple, all as Barney passionately kissed Robin. He tugged on the strings of Robin's bikini-style panties, undoing the bows before yanking the material away and plunging a finger in just to feel how tight and wet she was. 

Robin rocked her hips for a moment as Lily started kissing a trail down the center of her body, towards Barney's hand. 

When she reached her destination Barney removed his finger. “Robin scoot up as far as you can on the bed and put a pillow under your hips.” She did so. “Resume.”

Robin let out a luxurious moan as Lily's tongue explored her pussy. Lily was tentative at first, but it was almost immediately apparent that she had an natural talent for performing oral on a woman. Barney watched them for a moment—Robin's legs were splayed and Lily was on all fours with her ass in the air, her glistening wet pussy on display—before finally removing his boxers. He pumped his cock with his left hand while finger-fucking Lily with the right, realizing he needed protection.

“Condoms?” Barney asked.

“We're both on the pill,” Robin panted.

“No condom okay with Lily?” Barney asked.

“Mm-hm,” Lily mumbled before pulling her face away from Robin. “As long as you know you're clean.”

“I get monthly blood tests,” Barney offers.

“Then fuck me already,” Lily commanded, promptly returning her attention to Robin's pussy.

Barney removed his finger from Lily and scooted closer to her on the bed, bringing his hips in line with hers. He placed his hands on her hips and sheathed himself with her slowly to relish the feeling of acquainting himself with her cunt. 

The look on Barney's face as he entered Lily nearly made Robin come right then. Lily continued lapping away at her pussy, letting Barney's thrusts set her rhythm. She noticed once he was naked that Barney's penis was about an inch longer than Marshall's, but slightly slenderer, with a slight upward curve when fully erect, but now she knew that the extra inch triples the sensations on her g-spot and that he is able to make each thrust massage her pussy in a slightly different way. 

Robin sat back and watched the show, letting her pleasure build, waiting until Barney was pounding Lily and Lily was moaning onto her clit as she finger-fucked her pussy, until she couldn't take it anymore, and then coming. Barney looked just as proud of Robin's screams as if it were only his actions that were bringing those noises out her. Lily came again halfway through Robin's orgasm, and only then Barney let himself come, still barely believing that he was able to fuck Lily as she fucked Robin, even as he filled her with his seed. 

They removed themselves from each other and cuddled on top of the sheets. Barney was on his back with Lily and Robin snuggling up on either side of him, their nerves still tingling with the rush of endorphins. 

“That. Was. Awesome,” Barney announced, making Lily and Robin giggle. 

Lily's hands ghosted over Barney's body, actually exploring it for the first time. “Damn, Barney, your body is so...firm.”

Barney ran his hand along each of their thighs. “You two are the most exquisite women I have ever known. I'm lucky to be friends with you let alone do this...you both really are amazing.”

Lily and Robin exchanged a look and then sprang into action. Lily began kissing Barney, immediately opening her mouth to massage his tongue with her own. Barney could still taste Robin's cum in Lily's mouth, making him harden once again.

Then, as a surprise, Robin's lips were suddenly on the head of his cock, licking his and Lily's combined juices off of it like how one licks a very delicious Popsicle and then taking his whole length in her mouth, her tongue undulating against his dick while Lily's undulated against his tongue. Barney decided that this was what heaven was like—not any two girls—heaven was getting a blow job from Robin, her heavy breasts against his thighs and Lily's pert breasts in his hands while he kissed her. 

Lily broke the kiss, her eyes dark with lust. “You're pretty good with that tongue of yours.”

Barney arched an eyebrow. “Am I now?” He tweaked both of her nipples. 

As if on cue, Lily sat up and then moved so that she was straddling Barney's head facing Robin. She lowered herself down onto his face, watching his cock disappear into Robin's mouth as her he bobbed skillfully up and down. 

“It looks like Robin is good with a lot more than her tongue,” Lily observed, her breathing already quickening from Barney's tongue exploring her wet folds.

Robin raised her head, smirking at the groan of loss Barney makes between Lily's legs. She climbed up his legs until she was straddling his hips, teasing the head of his cock by rubbing it with her clit for a few seconds before finally sinking down onto him, taking him all the way to the hilt. 

Lily watched Robin ride Barney's cock as he sat on his face for a moment before she was struck with the urge to kiss her everywhere she could reach starting with her lips. Barney could tell by the angle of the two bodies above him that Lily and Robin were making out and there was something so satisfying about two women enjoying each other while they enjoyed him. Their movements became more frantic as the girls mewled and moaned through gentle bites and licks on shoulders, necks, breasts, both riding Barney to the same overwhelming rhythm until all three of them simultaneously came. 

Thoroughly satisfied but also exhausted, the three of them cuddled under the blankets, whispering giddily for a while before they drifted off to sleep.

*****

Robin and Lily woke in the morning to find Barney gone and their clothes folded neatly on the night-stand. They dressed and hazily walked out of the bedroom, Robin making a beeline to the coffeemaker and Lily to the bathroom. Ted was in his pajamas eating some cereal, watching them leave.

“Man, I wish dudes could have sleepovers and platonically cuddle all night,” Ted complained. 

“That's how I know you're gay,” Robin teased, adding milk to her coffee.

Lily went home and showered and picked Marshall up from the airport. She wasn't lying when she told him she missed him, nor when she said that she had a lot of fun staying with Robin and Ted. Unbelievably enough the truth about that night remained secret for years before the rest of the gang found out. But that was another story entirely.


End file.
